What's the Matter with Don?

Donald Flutenberger, a writer, sits on a stool in a Michigan bookstore facing a modest crowd of about 14 or so 40-something year-old women and the occasional plaid covered husband. The men’s mouths hang open lifelessly like paused canines. The women’s faces vary between interest and dissatisfaction. Randy, his agent, leans against a bookshelf off to the side staring at a crossword puzzle and periodically checking his watch. Don’s overbearing wife, Courtney, is not yet there.

DON

…And that is why we can see a break in Tristan’s actions after the second act. For as the consummate lover he is obligated to look past his elementary affections for Cassandra’s person and he joins the company of the likes of Garreth or Rosalind as the quintessential servitudinal figure d’amor. For these and so many more reasons I think you’ll be quite happy to find WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH LOVE my most romantic romance yet. Thank you all for coming!

PGA volume applause is heard lifting out of the small half empty bookstore as Don stands and waves before seating himself at a foldout table with stacks of books on it. An empty large brown box sits underneath it. Some of the crowd dwindles away into the street, or back into the stacks, while a few resolute fans form a short single-file line.

Despite the situation Don looks a bit energized by his talk and his does his best to cheerfully address the oncoming readers. Randy locks a supervisory stare on the table. A short, curly haired, over made up, bowling ball of female comes walking up first.

DON

Well, hi there. Thank you for coming.

WINONA

Are you the same guy who did the Louie and Angelica series?

DON

Um, yes. Yes that was also me.

WINONA

Huh, cause this doesn’t sound anything like it.

DON

Well, no, this is different book, you see.

WINONA

I liked Angelica she was so passionate. And Louie, he was just a dreamboat—and a bit of a bad boy too.

DON

(Disappointed)

Yeah, that was…wonderful wasn’t it. Can I interest you in a copy of my latest—?

WINONA

Oh, nahhh, if they don’t end up together then what’s the point. I just came up here to tell you that you should write them how you use to.

DON

(Dismissing)

You’re very helpful.

Winona grimaces a goodbye smile and leaves the front of the line. A large, mustached dude with thick pants and plaid jacket strolls up next to his tall and big boned wife.

DON

(re-summoning his professional spirit)

How are you both tod—

HAROLD

(butting in)

Brother, you gotta help me out. I need some two-strokes, some bowhunting, or at least something that’s alive that you can make dead at some point in your stories. If she makes me read one more of these outlou—

JUDITH

Stop it Harry! You’ll read them just fine without any of that. Plus that’s not what we use them for.

HAROLD

Woman. You know these only make my eyes tired, and then I can’t—

JUDITH

Mr. Flutenberger—that is how you say your last name right?—look Harry and I used to love your work. It was very…special to us.

DON

That’s thrilling.

JUDITH

I just don’t see why you’re trying to write all smarty pants all the sudden. Anyways, we haven’t gone through BLOSSOMS IN AUTUMN lately so we should be fine for a while. Just thought I’d let you know that Harry and I are reaaaallly looking forward to a new, more regular work!

DON

Any books for you two today?

JUDITH

Oh, that’s sweet of you. Thanks anyways! Bye bye now.

HAROLD

(as he’s leaving in tow behind Judith)

Guns and Ammo dude!

Judith and Harold leave Don’s table and exit the bookstore. Don leans back exasperated in his chair while Randy leans onto the table cutting Don off from the line momentarily.

RANDY

So how’s it going sport? Why am I looking at all these books?

DON

Randy these people are unappreciative. I can barely get any words out—

RANDY

Don’t tell, Donnie, sell. By the way Courtney just arrived. She should be here in a few minutes, but don’t let that distract you. I’ll handle her.

DON

Why god, why?

Randy ruffles Don’s hair and returns to his crossword.

RANDY

(As he leaves)

Head in the game, Donnie. Don’t worry about her.

Don returns his gaze to the nearly personless gathering in front of his table. Finally a skinny, indoor type wearing a baggy denim skirt and pomegranate cardigan steps forward holding 6 books in her arms. Her hair has been put in curls with partial success and her excessive jewelry jingles as the tremor of anticipation runs through her skinny frame.

DON

(exhaling deeply)

Hi, thanks for making it out for this big occasion.

KAREN

Oh! Mr. Flutenberger I am just so excited to see you.

Karen spills a few of the books onto the table peeling away the front flap.

DON

Mm hmm great…And who am I making this out too?  Mrs…?

KAREN

Oh! Miss! To be sure.

DON

Right…Miss…?

KAREN

Bergenfluter!  Can you believe it!?

DON

Can I believe what?

KAREN

I mean it’s so special! It’s like magic!

DON

Uh…yes, I’m glad you liked the book.

KAREN

And we look so good together too!

DON

Dwha—

KAREN

And your sweater! Just the type of sweater I would dress you in. Of course, it’s the same one you wore on the dustjacket of A THOUSAND PROM NIGHTS  and FOREVER, NEVER, ALWAYS, SOMETIMES  but look how well it fits you even after all that weight!

DON

Excuse me!?

KAREN

Oh Donald can you believe we finally found each other!?

DON

Just what in the world are you saying?

KAREN

We’re soul mates!

DON

You’ve got to be kidding me.

KAREN

I’ve waiting so long for this!!!

DON

I’ve waited this long for this???

KAREN

Yes, soul mates! Perfect complimentary crescents to each other’s waning sphere! Dearest—our names, our passions, our mutual love of soup!

DON

How do you know what I like to eat?

KAREN

How could I forget that sumptuous description you penned in The Paltry Palette. “That alarming charm of farming warmed, meaty mutton basted broth.” How I drank in the pages darling. Print advert never looked so decadent.

DON

My god…I mean, my god, you read that!?

KAREN

Oh I’ve seen all your work since 1988 Donald. Every scratch, leaflet, and volume, burrowing your way into Romance Saga infamy and into the hearts of alternative carnivorous meal preparation enthusiasts everywhere!

DON

Look, Mrs…what was it?

KAREN

Miss! Miss! It’s Miss Bergenfluter Donald.

DON

Right…Miss Berg, there is no reason you should have read half that stuff. I was obviously in a tight spot at the time…

KAREN

Oh Mr. Flutenberger, may I call you Flutie!

DON

Ms. Berg, I’m sure there’s…other people who are waiting, now would you like me to ink this?

KAREN

It’s Bergenfluter, Flutie! An exact opposite of your own surname. Isn’t love wonderful!!

DON

What are you talking about!?

KAREN

We have so much to talk about Donald. So much to discuss. I mean, we’ve found each other. Finally!

COURTNEY

IIIIIII knew it!!

Suddenly an out of breath Courtney bursts through the bookstore doors and beelines for the book table. Her fake blonde hair is slightly afroed by the cold, dry air. Her thick black heels make her tower over most everyone in the store and there is enough fur around her neck to supply Lewis & Clark. Don and Karen both look up in terror.

DON

Courtney hi. What’s going on?

COURTNEY

What’s going on? My romance writer boyfriend is running around the country trying to live out his fantasies while I—

RANDY

Whoa! Courtney! Hi, didn’t see you there. What are you doing honey?

COURTNEY

Ohhh, look who it is! Mr. Schmuck-for-a-living himself.

DON

Court, seriously, you can’t just run in here and act like this when we’re working. We’ve got…fans here.

COURTNEY

(Really yelling)

Fans! Really!? Look out for aalllll Donnie’s fans!! Don’t get in the way, they might not all fit in here!

KAREN

Excuse me, but we’ll have you know that Donald has a very substantial and loyal customer base.

RANDY

Not as loyal as we’d like...

COURTNEY

Ohhh, and who are you groupie number one!?

KAREN

(beaming)

Actually, Donald and I are soul mates.

DON

No, no, no we are not. We do not even know eachother…

COURTNEY

Really sweetheart! And just what makes you soul mates with my Donnie?

DON

Please stop Courtney!

KAREN

Donald and I are destined lovers! I’ve read every one of his book 13 times and I have every news clipping he’s ever been in…I doubt you even read.

RANDY

Ladies, girls, please. Don’t—

COURTNEY

I’ll be reading your tombstone lady. It’s gonna say Obsessive, Nerdy, and fashionably illiterate!!

KAREN

Excuse me, Ms. Bleach bomb! You look like a linebacker sized beaver pelt!

DON

Girls!

Karen hurls the remaining books in her arms at Courtney’s imposing frame. Courtney recovers from the blow and launches herself at Karen, barreling over the table and landing in a scuffle on the ground right next to Don.

DON

My god!!!

RANDY

I’m going to get our cut from the owner.

The girls continue cat-fighting on the ground while Don jumps out of his chair and heads for the door disgusted. The bookstore is a mess with the overturned table, chairs and books everywhere but Don doesn’t look back. He runs outside and crosses the street to his Hotel. Don runs up to the Hotel front-desk and collapses his arms on the counter. A plain looking desk clerk looks on unamused. As Don talks a thirties-aged, well dressed man slips in line behind him awaiting the desk.

DON

Hi, I need to check out now.

CLERK

Name and room number.

DON

It’s under Flutenberger, 327.

CLERK

What was that again?

DON

Flut-en-berg-er. Here just look at this.

Don pulls out one last copy of his new book from his shoulder bag and places in on the counter, indicating his name in large print on the Top of the cover.

WELL DRESSED MAN

I thought that was you.

Don turns around and glances at the man in front of him.

DON

Have we met?

WELL DRESSED MAN

I’m Toby McMinnen, I write for the Grand Rapids Magazine.

DON

Oh Hello, uh hi, great to meet you.

TOBY

Yes, I just caught your delivery on WHAT MATTERS ABOUT LOVE, I thought it was great.

DON

Oh, really? Thank you.

TOBY

Yes, I would have stayed and jumped in line but I have a plane to catch. I thought you’d have spent longer in there anyways?

DON

Oh you know, those people can just be…a bit stifling at times.

TOBY

Right, well I’d love to chat with you about the book. Are you leaving now?

DON

I’ll call the cab.

Don smiles a real smile for the first time in days. He snags his book off the counter and twirls it between his thumbs. Toby and Don exit together and take a cab to the airport.