all over again

Clickety clack, clickety clack, that all familiar sound of riding on the subway. Here I was back in the Windy City, exactly 4 years from the last time I'd seen her. I had decided to throw a hail mary and see what might happen. As I rode the L train south, a part of me hoped this might be a new beginning. Maybe she missed me as much as I'd missed her. I had tried to push her out of my memory. And I'd almost succeeded but here I was back in Chicago and I couldn't resist trying to contact her. To my surprise and delight, she said “I would love to see you!"

While I rode the train she texted, "What kind of wine or beer do you want?" I responded "Shiraz would be nice." She said "Done. :)" This made me smile and miss her even more. It had been a couple of years since I'd last spoken to her. 

I exited the Roosevelt stop and climbed the stairs feeling quite hopeful. I proceeded on a brisk pace toward Michigan Avenue unsure of what I might discover. It had been forever but the reflection in the rearview of her walking away was always etched in my memory. What if I'd stayed? I had to leave at some point but I hadn't wanted to...

A woman so sweet, gentle, and radiantly amazing but you’re separated by time and circumstance. It all began when my friends said, "There's this girl you need to meet because we think you two would be perfect for each other." And they were right; it was perfect. Possibly the best four weeks of my life but eventually things changed. She started to pull back and resist. I don't think she believed that she deserved to be loved. She knew I loved her but she couldn't receive it. I knew she wasn't in love with me anymore but I didn't want to believe it.

At that point, I'd already committed to help her move to Chicago. She needed help and I suppose I was her best option, so I followed through as always, loyal to the end even if it meant enduring pain. The drive from Boston to Chicago was tiring, surreal and bliss. The days of unpacking her boxes and helping her begin a new life were as if we'd been together for a lifetime. I remember walking down the street with her, arm in arm, totally in love with this woman of radiance yet deep down breaking within because I knew I'd be leaving her within hours. My heart couldn't believe it was over.

As I drove away that final day, I couldn't see her face as she walked away from the truck but I knew she was as heart broken and torn as I was. She may not have been in love anymore but I know she didn't want me to leave. I will always regret that day.

to be continued...